Vice Versa by Phil Porter

Author:Phil Porter
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Oberon Books Ltd

Act The Second

Two SERVANTS (ensemble) on a tea/fag break wander along the street and start to sing…

SERVANTS 1&2:

You haven’t lived til you’ve seen Rome

You haven’t loved till you’ve seen Rome

You’ve missed what’s hot

You’ve missed what’s not

You’ve missed a lot

Til you’ve seen Rome

You’ve not had fun in the sun with a Hun

Who’s an unruly son-of-a-gun…

Til you’ve done it in Rome!

They are joined by more people…

SERVANTS :

You haven’t lived til you’ve seen Rome

You haven’t loved til you’ve seen Rome

You haven’t wined

You haven’t dined

You’re ill-defined

Til you’ve seen Rome

You’ve missed a scene played between a congenial queen

And a menial teen

Til you’ve seen it in Rome!

DEXTER, VALENTIN and VOLUPTUA join in the fun. It’s turning into a bit of a party.

DEXTER :

You’ve not been strained

VALENTIN :

You’ve not been drained

VOLUPTUA :

You’ve not been pained

DEXTER, VOLUPTUA & VALENTIN

Til you’ve seen Rome

DEXTER :

You’ve not complained

VOLUPTUA :

Or been obtained

VALENTIN :

Or, worse, abstained

DEXTER, VOLUPTUA & VALENTIN :

Til you’ve seen Rome

DEXTER :

You’ve not been miffed

You’ve not been stiffed

You get my drift

Til you’ve seen Rome

VOLUPTUA :

You’ve not been stressed and oppressed

By a festering pest

Who’s obsessed with your chest

Til – you’ve guessed it – in Rome

Members of the ANCIENT ROME TOURIST BOARD appear and add their thoughts…

ANCIENT ROME TOURIST BOARD :

If you’re glum and gray, come take a Roman holiday

And make your way to Rome

And once your mind starts to unwind, you will find

In this home from home

That you may never want to roam away from Rome!

BRAGGADOCIO appears in a seemingly rather waggish and devil-may-care sort of mood…

BRAGADOCCIO :

Rome is where the heart is

There’s no place like Rome

Sometimes the lights are on but nobody’s Rome

Can’t you see I’m achin’ to bring Rome the bacon?

Wherever I lay my helmet: that’s my Rome!

Rome, sweet rome!

ALL :

You haven’t lived, etc!

If you’re glum and gray, etc!

Rome is where the heart is, etc!

Rome, sweet Rome!

BRAGGADOCIO : (To audience.) Oh, don’t applaud, you obsequious bastards! (To SERVANTS.) And you lot, get back inside before I flog you! Idle bum-sponges! (To himself.) That was a complete waste of time…

The SERVANTS and BRAGGADOCIO go inside. A cheerful servant arrives in the street with a crate of groceries. He wears a tunic bearing the name ‘ OCADUS ’. he checks the names of the houses against the document on his clipboard.

OCADUS : Running late again. It’s a wonder we got here at all. Traffic round the colosseum’s a bloody joke. Some bright spark’s crashed his oxen so it’s down to one lane. Still, the show must go on as they say. (He rings BRAGGADOCIO ’s doorbell. DEXTER answers.) Delivery for Domus Braggadocio?

DEXTER : Ay, that’s us.

OCADUS : (Refers to clipboard.) So, we’ve got two substitutions. There were no large bags of figs so I gave you two small. Plus we’ve had a run on chicken thighs so you’ve got dormice instead.

DEXTER : Fair enough.

OCADUS : Here it is. Sorry it’s such a big crate and all. I tell ’em all this over-packaging’s bad for the environment, but do they listen? Do they Pollux. Through to the kitchen, is it?

DEXTER : That’s all right.

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